to ting..

i'm here not bcoz i cannot resist temptation to stay offline. i'm here to clarify certain issues. exactly one mth since the ex decided his life wld be better off w/o me, i embarked on a reckless dating spree as part of my so-called "recovery process". seeing different people n hearing sweet nothings over n over again was just a desperate me trying to reassure myself tt i did not lose my desirablity as a woman.

true, i hv been an utter slut. i acknowledge tt. but aft all tis while, i stand by the fact tt all my actions r wholly justified by reasons tt only me myself noe. being newly single, i need not account to anyone - my parents included. so i hv nv seen to need to explain my predicament here. coz the last thing i need frm all u ppl is even more sympathy.

the joy today is not someone who deserves to be well-liked. in fact, even i'm starting to get irritated with myself n my current priorities. but to be disliked by someone who means the world to me is a different issue altogether. she used to be someone who i tot wld side me above all, someone who i assumed wld seek to understand me n see things frm my perspective before blasting me on a public place. if i tot i was hurt badly enough, tis really tests my pain endurance lvl to the max.

tis person is not just a normal acquaintance. she is a close fren n someone i value alot. someone who means enough for me to be willing to lose face n explain how pathetic i am on my v own blog for the whole bloody world to see.

girl, it is no hidden fact tt u r disappointed at how i hv "cheapened" myself on dating binges. we used to be inseperable with no secrets between us. but ask urself, how much do u noe of me in recent wks? when i broke up with zest, i called u a couple of times. every single time, u were either at ur bf's place or in the theaters or something. u didn't hang up on me. but u were undeniably distracted. how else do u wan me to tell u wat i'm really feeling? when i was helpless, lost n alone, i reached a stage where i found my newer frens much more ready n nv too busy to listen to me cry.

i'm not disregarding our yrs of friendship. they still mean alot to me. but i'm saddened by the fact tt instead of just calling n hearing my side of the story first-hand, u chose to conveniently pluck things i mentioned here n misread them terribly.

sometimes i wonder, whether u even considered my feelings when u typed those wrds. did it ever cross ur mind how u can single-handedly squash watever little self-worth i hv left? as u said n i quote, "she, having abused zest's love during the relationship. claims of being hurt and torn when zest fianlly broke down n left." ya, i deserved to get dumped. i'm the worst gf one can ever ask for. n for the v fact tt he can bear with me for soo long, he shld get a nobel prize or something - seriously.

i dunno shld i stay shocked or just simply shake my head in disbelief when i read those wrds. ur MY fren. even if u dun support the way i carry out my relationship, u shld stay behind me ready to hug me when i get burnt frm playing with too much fire. if ur not prepared to just stand behind, ever-ready to shield me frm hurt, u shld at least not be the one rubbing salt into my wounds. coz i most certainly will not do tt to u. n i'm speechless to how u actually make him sound like the victim in tis whole affair.

since the first time we broke-up, i did play a more active role in trying to be tt ideal gf, his perfect partner. i did things for him tt i nv did for anyone before. i even dare say zest was my first-time everything. i nv apologized. i nv begged. i nv gave. i nv changed. but for him, i did all tt. i slept w/o aircon even in the hottest nights. i woke up at god-forsaken hrs in the morning just to accompany him to wrk. i tried to give him a balanced family-fren-gf social life. wth, i even cooked n baked! the princessy me nv ever did tt. u do not noe any of my sacrifices, n u didn't bother to go find out..

though wat i do is damn freaking easy to many. but for me, its a whole world of difference. u of all ppl shld noe tt. as u mentioned, i'm pampered. i'm fucking spoilt. to even wanna attempt to contribute to something means tt tis something means so so so much to me. mayb god is jealous tt my life is so close to perfect tt he hv to remove the first thing i really worked hard for. when zest chose to leave me the first time round but eventually changed his mind, i vowed to not just passively demand for happiness. i promised to strive to make our relationship wrk. but before my labour cld bear fruit, he chose to runaway yet again. where do u tink tt leaves me? aft trying my best, i was left with nothing! do u hv any idea how disillusioned i became with life n love? i even contemplated suicide. twice. did u noe? or did u even care?

its not just u. everyone one in our clique is attached.. where do i stand now? for u to say "move on" is v easy. coz ur not in my position. none of u are. i dun ask for ur compassion. all i wan a tiny bit of understanding. u said i'm not worth the attn adrian gives me. am i worth urs then? our 5-yr friendship vs his 2-wk one? to be honest, he gave me more in tis 2 wks then u hv given me in a whole mth. i dun tink a little more concern frm a fren close enough to be a sister is too much to ask for.

i'm joy. i hv nv been rejected. i hv nv craved for anything. when he left, i was crushed. i am still crushed. i counted on ur support to help me piece back the broken fragments. but wat i didn't expect was for u to yank open wat i hv tried so hard to glue back tgt.

communication is a two-way channel. tis blog is wat every tom, dick or harry reads n is the only face-saving medium i hv left. for someone as close as u, i expected u to take wat i say with a pinch of salt. i may hv changed, but definitely not tt much. however, if all i'm in ur eyes is tt of a lowdown bitch, i really hv no comments.

i do feel trashy when i go out with random male specimens. i dun need u to tell me tt.

as a last plea, only frens who really care when they claim to care can get me past tis lowest down in my life. i wan u to be one of them.. but if u dun wish to, i respect ur decision. just pls dun push me back into the hole when i'm nearing the top. n for old times sake, trust me when i say i noe wat i'm doing.

(note: u noe i'm talking abt u. i treasure u. n if u feel likewise, i hope u do spare a thought for me in future. wat u see is not necessarily wat u get n if u noe me well enough, u shld be clear as to where my morals stand. i mayb impulsive but i hv my limits.)

on a lighter note, i got tis quiz frm khang jing's blog.. =)

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's "The Part of You That No One Sees"?